god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
