this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
