Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
