I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My pussy is not your playground.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
