I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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