I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
