He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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