the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
