You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
