I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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