I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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