the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
