Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
