I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
