Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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