i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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