The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
