I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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