You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
