What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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