I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
