Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
