I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
