So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
