I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
