You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize