I hate all girls vehemently.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
