I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
