there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
