Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
