I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
