Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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