i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the day after is always just damage control
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I wish there were birth control emojis
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
