I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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