and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
