They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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