Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
