she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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