Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
