I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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