im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
