at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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