she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
