Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
