I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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