i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
