My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wish you could order shots online.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
