it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
