I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
