chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
