I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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