I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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