You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
