Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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